Non-Parents Just Don’t Understand

Doin' My Job


A quick dedication to non-parents. You guys have got it good. You can live the life you (mostly) want, without having to think about dependants. The thing about having small children is that they’re far needier than you can possibly imagine. Those that have grown up kids seemingly forget all of this too, only reflecting on the good time since their small ones were walking, talking (properly) and screaming in any room wit more than two strangers in it.


Timing is a Myth

I can’t believe how much less I respect the clock since I’ve had kids. I’ve come to terms with the fact I can never get to anywhere on time, and it’s not worth struggling to make it happen (unless it’s a doctor’s appointment). A lot happens between me telling my toddler we’re leaving the house and the point he’s strapped in his car seat. A lot.

There’s the second time we’ve changed his clothes. Then there’s the four times he’ll been asked to get his shoes. The six times he’s run away from putting his coat on. The three campaigns for his fire engine to come with him. It’s not straightforward and there aren’t many ways to speed this up either.

My Life Involves at Least x7 the Amount of Cleaning Than Before

You can’t just come around. You can’t expect my home to be presentable if you turn up without notice. You can’t even expect it if I’m expecting you. Life just isn’t like this. Cameo is a food thrower and there’s a strong chance we haven’t got to the toast at the doorstep, even if we cleaned the wall of all the yoghurt he dashed against it earlier.

Don’t get me started on the small one. He’s the unpredictable with his sick. I thought it was only meant to happen in the aftermath of a feed, but this guy surprises us almost every day. The one thing we can rely on is that he’s never going to be sick when he has a bib on. Freedom in the neck area must trigger them.


The Day is Based Around Food and Sleep

We have a solid routine. It took us a long time to solidify things so that Cameo is fun to be around in the day, and so that Marlo gives us relatively good nights. The two factors that go into that are food and sleep. It’s not a thing of just letting Cameo nap a little bit later, or having a few snacks and eating something bigger a little later. He’s no fun if he doesn’t have an hour and a half sleep at a particular time of the day, right after he’s lunched.

Non-parents, you need to understand that these things are non-negotiable if we’re meeting up. If you’ve decided on an early afternoon slot, I’ll be there when I’m there. I’m not waking anyone up to leave the house, and it’s out of the question to mess around with feeds. I promise you that you’ll have a lot more fun if you play by my rules. I know what we’re dealing with and you’ll understand when you’re in the same position in a few years.

*Listen to T.I.*